MSSD.

I have so many thoughts I want to get out… I thought about creating an anonymous blog, but so few people follow me that actually know me I figured it was pointless. I think this might become a regular occurrence. So, anyway..

I have been sick with an infection for a little over three weeks. During this time all I have wanted to do is lay around because I feel like crap; I’ve had a fever, etc. The only people that have cared enough to check on me is my family. I thank God for them.

I have so many friends.. many of them mean a lot to me, but I’ve recently come to notice that most of them don’t need me/are rarely there for me. To test my theory I’ve barely texted any of my friends over the last two weeks or asked if they have wanted to hang out, unless they texted/asked me first. As predicted, I’ve barely heard from any of my friends, save one. I just feel like I have always cared more about people than they care about me, and I just don’t know why that is. Maybe it’s because I don’t love myself enough? Maybe I just expect too much out of people? Maybe there is something people don’t like about me? I’ve never had trouble making friends.. keeping them has been the hard part.. Though none of them ended by my choice.

Whatever the reason is.. I have slowly become more and more apathetic. And, I’m definitely tempted to become a hermit because of it. I’ve sat at home alone for these two weeks.. and it has been a bit lonely at times, but I would rather spend my time with people I know deserve it/ appreciate me for who I am/accept me.. despite my flaws. I know I haven’t been the perfect friend, but I’ve definitely tried hard to be a good one. It’s so mind blowing to me that it’s so hard to find real, genuinely good people. Almost everyone is so self-absorbed with their own lives that everything they do is only for themselves. The friends that they do have only exist to serve a purpose… to feed their ego, shun their insecurities, or provide entertainment.. etc.

Whatever happened to seeing the beauty in other humans and wanting to share in their life because you simply know they are special? Most of us take each other for granted because of small details we don’t like/disagree with. I’m working on that. I’m working on a lot of things.

That being said.. I do have some good friends. Some of them just keep to themselves more than I would like. :)

I wish I could change the world.

I look forward to the day everything will be perfect in heaven.